Everything is in a whirlpool of confusion. I don't know how I'm feeling, I don't know how I should be feeling, I don't even know what I am looking forward to in life. There is no drive, there is no passion, there is no urgency.
I am so confused right now and this post may not make much sense because I can't seem to properly gather my thoughts.
Today is the 185th day of 2011.
A wave of melancholy hits me whenever july comes to mind. 6 months have passed, I have surmounted 24 weeks and 185 days have flowned by. What exactly have I been doing? Everyday I wake up and just live, floating along, seeing where my life takes me. I don't have any specific destination and life has been more like a cycle than an adventure for me. Some days my life is more interesting but most days it's just so mundane and mediocre.
And life gets so hard sometimes I just break down and cry. But when people ask why I can't answer them because most of the time me myself don't even know why. And those days I came home feeling so empty and not knowing what to look forward to tomorrow. I know I shouldn't let today affect my tomorrow or vice versa, but it's just so hard. Today has too many blunders to be buried and tomorrow has too many unknowns to be understood.
Every morning I just want to lie in my bed and continue sleeping. Sleep and sleep and sleep to escape the cold hard truth that today will be just like any other day. Dreams keep reality from paralyzing you, right?
Well, I think I'm pretty hopeless in life. I'm not smart, I can't do a lot of things and I screw up way too much, way too often. I'm never good enough and I always disappoint. I can't think of any areas that I can ever succeed in and I am so envious of those who do things with such ease.
Oh well.
Happy 4th of July.
